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Finding myself by losing myself?

I’m an only child, or rather I grew up as an only child. I was raised by two parents, and I spent most of my time hanging out with the adults. I think I grew up fast because of that, but I also became creative and independent early on. When I moved away from home, I lived alone a lot, and had to take care of myself i.e. fixing the toilet if there was a problem. I enjoyed my alone time, and valued it greatly.

But then, something happened when I got married. I love spending time with my husband, and I love sharing experiences with him.  When I’m on my own and I find or do something cool, I cannot wait to share it with him,  and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I guess the problem is I’ve realized that I use him as a crutch more than I probably should. I let him take care of me, rather than being the independent woman I am.

I don’t know if this is losing my independence, or just being lazy – probably the later. I love being looked after, and I guess I’m okay with letting someone else be in control.

Over the past few months of travelling, I’ve pretty much let Steve take care of making decisions, handling money, booking things, etc. I am highly capable of doing these things on my own, however I ‘let him’ do it for us.

This isn’t the first time I’ve realized that I like being taken care of; at home I will ‘let him’ fix my computer, or handle household repairs rather than stepping up and taking care of it for myself/for ourselves.

I guess this hasn’t been an issue for me (not sure Steve feels the same way), until I realized that I’m not living fully in this travelling adventure we are having.

Today was the ah-ha I guess, and I am realizing that I need to be doing things different. It came to me when I wanted to go for breakfast, but Steve wasn’t hungry, so I almost didn’t go because I didn’t want to be alone. I can’t even believe I’m typing that because I used to be much more independent than that?! Heck, I traveled alone before we met ,and I had a job for awhile that required me to travel, which was often on my own.

So what happened to that girl/woman? When did I become so lazy, or scared of the world that I won’t even eat breakfast alone?

I did go for breakfast alone, btw, and it was wonderful, and peaceful, and it made me remember how great it can be to have some alone time where it’s just me, not as part of ‘Steve & Ange’.

I’ve been worrying that this time out we’ve taken to travel hasn’t been changing my life in the dramatic ways I was hoping it would. But I am starting to see that life is changing, just in more subtle ways. Every day I’m realizing there are many opportunities to grow as a person, and to change the way I look at things. Instead of waiting for huge moments of spiritual clarity where everything becomes clear and all of a sudden I just know what my purpose is, and what makes me happy, and what the answer to the question of life is (42?), I see the wonderful subtle shift in the small things, like the way I handle almost missing a flight, or the fact that we have no real concrete plans moving forward and I am okay with that.

I remember when we were planning this trip how super anxious and panicky it made me to think that we didn’t know where we were going, or how long we’d be there, etc. I wanted to be part of a tour group, and be lead around and have security in knowing where we were staying, and when we’d be leaving.

Today, I feel more anxious in knowing that we have plans to leave, and a schedule to keep. I love the freedom of going where the wind takes us. We check out of our hotel today, and it wasn’t until very late last night that we booked somewhere new to stay, and even then we just booked for one night only, and I love it! I feel free to move about, and to explore, and to be available for those opportunities to learn.

There’s likely no giant flashing billboards or fortune cookie with the answers I seek, but there is much to learn in the journey of losing oneself.

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