The Holy Shit Factor – how to be okay with your choice

Snow in Edmonton Sept 2014I’m having a bit of a freak-out/melt down… I’m feeling sick to my stomach, and I want to cry a bit… the reality of what we have done (quitting our jobs) and what we are doing (moving away/travelling) is crashing in, and today is a bit of a rough day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m wicked excited, especially when I see the snow falling outside my window – snow, yup, snow at the beginning of September!! Come on, that must be the universe’s way of sending me confirmation that leaving and moving to the beach for the next 6 months is the right thing to do? But then why do I feel so damn scared right now?

I know and I trust that we have thought this through, and that we will be okay. But today, in this particular moment, the fear of the unknown is taking over and crashing over the excitement and faith. I know this feeling will pass, but I wanted to make sure to write about this, and not just about the good and exciting stuff.

Planning a life altering move, such as quitting your job and flying to parts unknown to live, is some helluva scary stuff! It’s awesome and dreamy, too, but doubts will surface.

And how do I plan to handle this? Well, right now I’m not sure… I often turn to Steve to bring me reassurance and comfort, but he’s not available right now. So I guess I am experiencing an opportunity to manage this stress on my own, and to start learning and growing as a person. Oh boy!

Here I go then, let’s see if I can figure out where the fear is coming from? I guess it boils down to something I’ve come to realize about myself over the years. I think I tend to be a person who has always needed other people to validate me and my decisions, and my worth at times too sadly enough. Yesterday and today I’ve been talking about the next steps we’ve made in our planning – we’ve booked a return ticket to Bangkok for a 6 month period. Holy crap! As I talk about this to others, I guess I am hoping to have people tell me that Thailand is so wonderful and amazing and safe and has lots of puppies and rainbows, and life will be perfect – good job Ange! LOL

But, it’s not like that. People are happy and interested to hear about how our journey is unfolding, but I think they are looking to me to tell them more about these choices we are making.

We are now ‘those’ people – you know the ones who you read about who quit their jobs and set out to see the world… we are the ones telling the story now, not just reading it and dreaming about it, and fantasizing about the future and the ‘someday’ that may never come…

I have to keep reminding myself that we are the creators of our destiny, and that we have it in us to make this trip whatever we want, and that nothing is ever set in stone – we aren’t ever stuck, there are always choices, and that the world isn’t nearly as scary as the media makes it seem to be.

I guess lastly I need to remind myself that staying stuck in a life that feels flat and without a lot of happiness and joy is WAY scarier than what we are planning to do. Do I want to live and learn and grow, or would I rather stay stuck and live in the illusion of being safe, playing out the same old routine day in and day out?

Geeze, I guess when I put it that way, I can fix my mood on my own after all! I just need to remember to bring it back to the basics, and to the core of why I am doing this in the first place.

My reasons for wanting and needing this change:

  • to find my joy and creativity, and to figure out what makes me happy
  • to reduce stress, be active daily and get healthy and lose weight
  • to reconnect with my husband
  • to live in the NOW and take nothing for granted
  • to explore new ideas with new people, and to learn and grow as a person

Over the next few weeks leading up to our departure date, I’ll likely need to make a few copies of these reasons and post them everywhere. Everyday seems to be a new ride where I’m over the moon excited one minute, then freaked out and wanting to hide under the sheets the next.

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